You Know You're a Grown Up When a Nap Is No Longer a Punishment but a Reward Snoopy T Shirt
Which Is Ameliorate, Rewards or Punishments? Neither
Rewards and punishments are provisional, simply our love and positive regard for our kids should be unconditional. Hither's how to modify the chat and the behavior.
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"I feel a sense of dread as bedtime rolls effectually. Here we go again."
A dad said this in our family therapy office one solar day, describing his son'southward pre-bed antics. The child would go wild equally bedtime approached, stubbornly ignoring his parents' directions and melting downwards at the mention of pajamas. The parents felt frustrated and stumped.
They asked usa a question nosotros hear a lot: Should they sternly send him to time out and take away his screen fourth dimension when he acted this way (punishments)? Or set up a system to entice him with stickers and prizes for good behavior (rewards)?
Many parents grew upward with punishments, and information technology's understandable that they rely on them. But punishments tend to escalate conflict and shut downwardly learning. They arm-twist a fight or flight response, which means that sophisticated thinking in the frontal cortex goes dark and bones defense mechanisms kick in. Punishments make us either rebel, feel shamed or aroused, repress our feelings, or effigy out how not to get caught. In this example, full-fledged 4-year-old resistance would be at its elevation.
So rewards are the positive choice then, right?
Not so fast. Rewards are more than similar punishment'southward sneaky twin. Families observe them alluring (understandably), because rewards tin command a child momentarily. But the effect tin can vesture off, or even backfire: "How much do I get?" a customer told united states her daughter said i twenty-four hour period when asked to option upward her room.
Over decades, psychologists accept suggested that rewards can decrease our natural motivation and enjoyment. For instance, kids who like to depict and are, under experimental conditions, paid to practice and then, depict less than those who aren't paid. Kids who are rewarded for sharing practice so less, and so forth. This is what psychologists telephone call the "overjustification event" — the external advantage overshadows the child's internal motivation.
Rewards have also been associated with lowering creativity. In 1 classic series of studies, people were given a set up of materials (a box of thumbtacks, a candle and volume of matches) and asked to figure out how to attach the candle to the wall. The solution requires innovative thinking — seeing the materials in a style unrelated to their purpose (the box as a candle holder). People who were told they'd be rewarded to solve this dilemma took longer, on average, to figure it out. Rewards narrow our field of view. Our brains stop puzzling freely. We stop thinking securely and seeing the possibilities.
The whole concept of punishments and rewards is based on negative assumptions nearly children — that they need to be controlled and shaped by us, and that they don't have proficient intentions. But nosotros tin flip this around to see kids as capable, wired for empathy, cooperation, team spirit and hard work. That perspective changes how we talk to children in powerful ways.
Rewards and punishments are conditional, but our love and positive regard for our kids should be unconditional. In fact, when nosotros lead with empathy and truly listen to our kids, they're more than likely to listen to united states of america. Following are suggestions for how to change the conversation and modify the behavior.
Look Underneath
Kids don't hit their siblings, ignore their parents or have tantrums in the grocery store for no reason. When we address what'due south actually going on, our help is meaningful and longer lasting. Even trying to see what'southward underneath makes kids less defensive, more than open to listening to limits and rules, and more creative in solving bug.
Instead of saying: Be nice to your friend and share, or no screen time later on.
Say: Hmm, you're nevertheless working on sharing your new building set. I go it. Sharing is hard at get-go, and you're feeling a little angry. Can yous call back of a plan for how to play with them together? Permit me know if you need help.
Crying, resistance and concrete aggression may exist the tip of the iceberg. Underneath could be hunger, sleep impecuniousness, overstimulation, having big feelings, working on a developmental skill or being in a new environment. If yous think this mode, it makes you lot a partner there to guide, rather than an antagonist there to control.
Motivate Instead of Advantage
Motivation is great, when it has the underlying message: "I trust you and believe you desire to cooperate and help. We are a team." This is a subtle difference from dangling rewards, but it's a powerful one.
Instead of saying: If you clean your room we tin go to the park. You lot meliorate practise it, though, or no park.
Say: When your room is clean, we'll go to the park. I tin't expect. Let me know if y'all need some assist.
Help Instead of Punish
The idea of a punishment conveys the message: "I need to make yous suffer for what yous did." Many parents don't really want to communicate this, but they also don't want to come off equally permissive. The good news is that y'all tin hold limits and guide children, without punishments.
Instead of saying: You're non playing nicely on this slide so you're going to time out. How many times practice I have to tell yous?
Say: Y'all're feeling kind of wild, I can encounter that! I'm going to lift you off this slide because it's not safety to play this way. Allow'south calm downward somewhere.
Instead of maxim: You were rude to me and used swear words. That's unacceptable. I'grand taking your phone away.
Say: Wow, you're really aroused. I hear that. It's not O.G. with me that you use those words. We're putting your phone away for now so yous tin have some space in your mind. When you're set, tell me more about what'due south bothering you. We'll effigy out what to do together.
Appoint the Natural Difficult Worker
Humans are not naturally lazy (information technology'south non an adaptive trait), and especially not kids. Nosotros like to work hard, if we feel like we're part of a team. Little kids want to be capable members of the family unit, and they like to assistance if they know their contribution matters and isn't just for show. Allow them help in a real fashion from the time they are toddlers, rather than bold they need to be otherwise distracted while we do the work.
Have a family unit meeting to begin all the daily tasks the family needs to get done. Inquire for ideas from each family fellow member. Make a chart for the kids (or have them make their own), with a identify to note when tasks are completed.
In the instance of the bedtime-balky child, when the parents looked under the surface, they fabricated progress. It turned out that he was overtired, so they permit go of some scheduled activities and protected more than current of air-downwardly time in the evenings. When he started to get wound up, his mom wrapped him in his bathroom towel and said he was her favorite burrito. She acknowledged that it was hard for him when she had to work late: "Mayhap you've felt sad I missed bedtime the last few weeks — I know I have. Hey, can we read our favorite book tonight?" They made a chart listing each step of his routine and asked for his input. Over time, he stopped resisting, and the tone at bedtime went from dread to true connection and enjoyment.
No matter how irrational or hard a moment might seem, we can respond in a way that says: "I see you. I'thousand hither to understand and aid. I'yard on your side. We'll figure this out together."
Heather Turgeon is a psychotherapist and co-author, with Julie Wright, of the new book " Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma ."
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/21/well/family/which-is-better-rewards-or-punishments-neither.html
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